Um, so maybe some of you (read: all two people who read this blog) have noticed that I haven’t been updating it lately. As in, never. And maybe some of you (read: no one) has been desperately concerned and sad over the lack of bloggy developments. But fear not! I am back in the blogosphere, and better than ever.
Since I’ve been doing a fair bit of journalism these days, I thought I’d interview myself to give you guys a heads-up on what life is like these days.
Me: So what is life like these days?
Me: Life is good! And I’m not just saying that because I’m polite and Midwestern and have a pathological fear of sounding less than fine. Well, mostly. I’ve been busy working, reading, writing, and just kind of reveling in the fact that I’m in remission and healthy.
Me: Where are you working?
Me: Heh, heh…well, there’s a funny question. In addition to continuing to freelance for Isthmus, I’ve taken on a number of temp jobs, including but not limited to: middle school secretary, office lackey for a startup company, and file clerk at the school district administration building. I’ve been modeling for my painters on the side and until recently was still barista-ing, until I became so tired of people assuming I was an incompetent dumbass while placing their orders that I literally exploded all over the espresso machine. They’re still cleaning bits of Sally up off the floor. But mostly it has become very clear that I will do just about anything for money, save for stripping, except I actually thought about becoming a stripper but it was for a story…does that count?
Me: Why are you blogging again after 234092432 years of silence?
Me: Well…that’s a funny question, too. I kept meaning to, but I’ve been kind of trying to focus on writing my book when I’m not freelancing, and it turns out that book-writing is not the easiest task on the planet. But I was at a writers’ conference this past weekend, and I talked to a couple agents, and they were all like, PLATFORM, PLATFORM, PLATFORM. What’s a platform? Hell if I know. But they said blog-tweet-facebook-network blah blah blah, and as much as I’d like to think that’s a load of crap…they’re probably right.
This one agent in particular…oh, she was a nasty breed. She crossed her hands and sat back in her chair and was like, ‘well?’ And apparently my triumphant battle with cancer at the age of 25 wasn’t too impressive, because after I finished my (awkward, terrible, because it was terrifying) pitch, she kind of clasped her hands and said, ‘you know, we get a lot of illness memoirs,’ like I was some born-again middle aged woman with breast cancer writing an extended diary entry (no offense, born-again middle aged women with breast cancer).
I basically got the impression that unless I suddenly became a celebrity and discovered a new weight loss plan, it was going to be very difficult to sell my book. I thought about auditioning for the next season of ‘Jersey Shore’ to up my street cred, but then I was like, fuck that, I’m just going to be awesome instead. And that’s the long answer to your short question.
Me: What’s your favorite animal?
Me: A bulldog…and dragons. Why?
Me: Just curious.
Me: This interview’s getting kind of stupid.
Me: That’s because it’s almost nine o’clock, and everyone knows you turn into a pumpkin at nine o’clock and can only read books with large print and watch CSI.
Me: Shit. That’s true. How’d you know?
OhKAY. Now that that little interlude has gone down the toilet, maybe you’d like to see some of the things I’ve written lately! Here they are, in no particular order:
And I’m out!